The First Year Without My Brother!

We are back home a few days after the funeral. There is gloom in the air! Everywhere! I tear up seeing my colleagues, friends, and people who come to express their condolences. Reality starts to sink in. One night the bedroom window shatters as I am lying restlessly in my bed. I feel my brother's presence. Is his soul at peace? Not knowing drives me crazy. Every day I experience ups and downs with pain and grief.

My boss says that he knew the outcome of Sudden Cardiac Arrest (SCA) from his experience as Military EMT. He gives valuable advice. He asks me to compare my brother's death to a fire in the house. If I have to help the people in the house get out safely, I have to save myself first. Though I agreed, I wanted to pull my brother out of the burning house. It is like a dark place from which I couldn't find my way out. Dreams haunt me…

I become disoriented and experience memory gap. Focusing on day to day activities becomes a daunting task. Every day I meet him in my dreams and I talk to him. My friends advise me to let him go. My husband and kids strive to help me through the grieving process. God Bless their hearts! My daughter says Uncle Prasad was given an option and chose to go with God. That is profound thinking! 

The days are filled with sadness. I question the fact that he is in a better place. My brother was full of life. He loved to travel and enjoyed the company of his friends. He loved tasting different types of food. He was a die-hard fan of Kamal Haasan. He loved watching basketball games and was an ardent Kevin Garnett fan from his days in Minnesota. 

I would give up everything in a heartbeat to have just one more minute with my brother. Just long enough to tell him that I loved him and say Good Bye. I had the urge to talk to him, but my lazy mind told me to wait till Christmas. If only I had called him his fate could've been altered, maybe he would be here with us...The biggest regret of my life…

The agonizing pain in the head and the chest ache stay with me for months. My doctor advise me to get started on any project close to my heart.  I bring my parents to my home for the summer. I plant a rose garden as a memorial to my brother. I start feeling his presence everywhere, in my garden, in the house, at my work... There are days when I think he is in a better place and there are days when I feel like he should be here with us to enjoy life on earth. 

Everything seems trivial after such a loss. Now I can fathom what people experience when they lose their loved ones, especially at a young age. I find solace in comforting others who are grieving a loss. If I can save one life from Sudden Cardiac Arrest, the expensive lessons I learnt during this ordeal will be worth it.

I am fortunate to have so many friends and family who shower me with love every day. My friends don’t stop at expressing their condolences but offer hand to help in any way they can. People from the church make us feel like we are family. My cousins chat with me every day to cheer me up. Above all, the Lord has guided us beautifully in these dark days and is helping us rebuild our home.

I am learning to not feel guilty about having a laugh. I am gradually learning to accept the loss and embrace both the happy and sad memories.

The first anniversary seems so suiting to thank my brother for my fine life so far. He made my childhood and growing up memorable and remarkable. He is one of the reasons where I am in my life today. 

I will be unable to avoid replaying the events of exactly one year ago in my mind, over and over.  The only thing I could say without a doubt is that my brother will always be in our hearts, forever and ever!

My Dear Brother! We Love You, We Miss You! May You Rest in Peace!

In my heart your memory lingers, 

Always tender, fond and true; 

There's not a day, dear brother, 

I do not think of you.