Good-Bye My Dear Brother!

Deva Prasad

It was the most excruciating plane travel we undertook in our lives. We land in Chennai. We take my brother's mortal remains in an ambulance to my hometown. My cousins have arranged for a motorcade. They considered him the pillar of our family and loved him a lot.

All of my family members have gathered at our house. I hear sobbing and wailing. Everyone is weeping regardless of age or gender. Tears roll down my Dad's cheeks. I run away upstairs with my little niece. It's time for me to tell her what happened to her dad and give her a chance to see him one last time. I hold her tight and tell her that her dad is with Jesus. I assure her that we will all meet him one day. She cries and cries. I let daddy's little girl cry. The little heart refused to see her dad in a casket. 

My uncle drags me out to say Goodbye to my brother. I kiss him Goodbye with a broken heart. The thought of never seeing him again is unbearable. 

I do not visit his grave. I have no desire to visit it ever. I make myself believe he is in a faraway land. He will definitely think about me and keep in touch.

Dear brother, I never thought I would be kissing you Goodbye. I will miss you forever and always. I wonder what life will be like without you. I don't know if I will ever get over the loss of you.  My sweet brother, You win, You win! I don't want to compete with you in this dare. You are the best and the first in everything. I am really sorry that I couldn't keep you here with us! I will come and see you one day in a much better place. Until then, Good-Bye!

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

In Loving Memory of Deva Prasad

I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there. I do not die.
- Poem by Elizabeth Frye

The Most Painful Days!

Days 5 thru' 8

Deva Prasad

I try my best to comfort my SIL. Though my brother put his career above family, he would do anything for his wife and his girls. He would hate to see them cry.

A beautiful memorial service is arranged by his employer and friends. My brother looks handsome in his favorite dark suit and red tie in the casket. There are client representatives from every notable South Korean company. People talk about how caring he was. They are amazed at how much he has achieved at the young age of 42. His Korean assistant tells me I am beautiful just as my brother told them. He has also told them my husband is one of the best humans in the world. I get goosebumps. Wow! my brother has talked up our family with his colleagues. If only I knew...if only he were alive...if only...

His older daughter couldn't bear the sorrow. She gets a panic attack and I stay with her in the hospital. 

The next day, I call my parents who still didn't know he passed away. My parents ask, "How is he? When are you all coming?" "Please bring him home safe. There are good doctors in Chennai", my mom tears up. There is a long silence on my side, "Sure, Ma", and I hang up the phone.

My uncle calls and asks me not to call India or the States. He assures that he will take care of my parents and every other arrangements over there.  He further reiterates the goal of my mission. They all know how strong hearted I am. They did choose the right person. I am angry, tired, and hurt, but won't cry.

At home, we ponder if we should spill the sad news to my brother's little one when she comes back from her friend's house. She starts crying at the words her dad is hurt. We decide not to tell her anything till we land in Chennai.

My husband calls and says that a couple of windows shattered into pieces in our house. The same thing happened when my Father In Law passed away. This might be a coincidence but I strongly believe it is a classic sign of my brother's soul visiting our house.

We wait for the transportation arrangements and all the legal formalities to be completed. We make certain that my brother's body travels with us. We hear he is moved from the hospital to the airport and it makes our hearts bleed. Any news about him twists our hearts and kills us over and over again.

In Loving Memory of Deva Prasad

His life earnest, his actions kind

A willing hand, and active mind

Anxious to please, loath to offend

A loving brother and faithful friend.

                                                                                                                                                                                


 http://gravestones.ie/Memorial-Verses.htm

Day 4

In Loving Memory of Deva Prasad

We go to the hospital early in the morning hoping for the best. Many people have gathered to see my brother. His friends, colleagues, client representatives... It is amazing to see how people showed up that early to see their friend. 

The Doctor calls me in. I go in with a racing heart expecting some good news. He explains why my brother was brought to the ICU. He's had a heart defect called "Myocardial Bridge" in addition to the heart inflammation which resulted in Sudden Cardiac Arrest. He collapsed on his way home and he didn't get the help he needed within the first few minutes. This tragedy could have been avoided if he'd paid close attention to the minor discomforts and also had a routine EKG. 

Then came the cold words from the Dr.'s mouth which hit me right between the eyes, “Your brother is going to die this afternoon or tonight."  I was angry at what I had just heard, "What?... What are you talking about? You said things would be better in the morning." “No.We tried everything”. He says this with no emotion.

“No! No! Something is wrong here. He is not going to die. We can take him to a better hospital or to the USA. I live right next to one of  the best hospitals”, I quiver. He shrugs, "It is not possible. He would die immediately. The only thing I can do is to let you stay with him in the ICU till his brain stops."

Can life be this cruel? Can the brain that took him places drain the life out of him? There is still time. There should be something we can do. My SIL begs the doctor to do anything to keep him alive. My niece screams at him for not saving her dad.

I hear the wailing from my SIL and niece. I don't know what to do. Why didn't I do something about it yesterday night? What was I thinking?  What happened to the strong sister who makes things happen? I let him down big time. Why did God bring me over here? 

His close friend comes and tells us that they knew the outcome three days ago.  Everyone braced for the grim outcome except for his family, my parents, and I. Maybe we just refused to accept the inevitable. I feel like a helpless fool.

I should have... could have ... I feel like God hid His face from us. Not now Lord! Not now… Please, we need a miracle here…Dear Lord! Look at your son who kneels down and prays even in the middle of the night. Please forgive us if we have hurt others! We need you now!

We stay with him in the ICU praying for a miracle…

A few hours later we witness the worst moment of our life. One of the smartest brains has stopped working. He is gone. Gone forever!

My heart gets twisted in a knot. What do we tell the little girl who doesn't even know what is going on with her dad? What do I tell my parents? I see my SIL lying down like a small bird that has no life. 

Now my cousin's words come to my mind. It finally hit me that I am not here to save him. I am just here to hold up his family when he passes away to the other world. What a great plan, Lord!

Day 3

Deva Prasad

I'm on the plane to South Korea confused and distressed with a throbbing pain in my head and chest.  I fall asleep somehow. I dream that my brother is sitting in a graduation ceremony. I felt relieved thinking, "Ok. He is going to be there for his daughter’s graduation". I pray and make a deal with God to give him at least 5 more years, so his older daughter could finish college.

I get down the plane with the confidence I will take my brother back to the USA or India. His colleague meets me at the Seoul airport. My niece comes running to me “Priya Athai (Aunt)”. My heart melts. I tell her not to worry and assure her that nothing  worse will happen.

A high official from his company at the airport talks to me about how well he knew my brother and how smart he was. He was 'Prasad' to family, 'DP' to his college mates, and 'Deva' to his colleagues. Every one of his colleagues and friends I meet says this shouldn't have happened to Deva. To everyone, I repeatedly ask, "There is a chance he is going to be alright. Right?"

I meet my SIL at the hospital. She looks drained. I see my brother lying down in ICU hooked to different machines and my heart panics. The heat wave that I couldn't explain surrounds me again. The machine sounds creep me out. He is on  life support. I never imagined I would see him in this state. We talk to him hoping he would come out of his coma hearing our words. The doctor says there is a Neurology Specialist coming tonight. He asks us to go home hoping for the best.

I am in his office room in his house. It looks like he was ready to interview someone. There are resumes and watches arranged neatly on his desk. He loved watches and he loved to dress sharp. His suits and shoes are neatly arranged in the closet. He is a sentimental person; he still has the tie my husband gifted him for his marriage. 

The office room has a beautiful scenic view of the mountain. Covered with a light snow blanket the mountain looks beautiful. My SIL shows me the steps on the mountain that my brother takes for his walk. No wonder he loved to walk up there. I should have visited him when he was doing well. Hopefully it is not too late.

None of us sleep the whole night. I talked to my niece about our childhood days; how we used to fight and compete on everything. He was a very smart kid. He won every competition. Though he is the older one, I tried to get the better of him. However, we stood together if someone came against one of us. He was very soft-hearted and caring. She listened to all the stories. 

I call and tell my distraught husband, "He is out there and we need to bring him down. I don’t know how to do it. There should be a way though. The only thing  we can do now is pray."

Day 2

Deva Prasad

We received a call at 3 am from our cousin who works for my brother's company. "Priya, are you sleeping?" “Yes, Annan. What is it?" He hesitated for a moment, “You know right? I am calling to let you know that we are going to process visas."  Half-awake, I say, “Yes, Annan. I know. Ok. Sure,”  and hang up the phone. Then my brain becomes restless. What did he mean by that? Why are they processing visas? Are they bringing Annan to the USA? What is going on? My brain refused to think anything hurtful.

I ask my husband to call my cousin back. I call my parents. They are worried and are crying. No one knows for certain what is going on. His friend picks up again and says there has been slight improvement and that I have to wait. My SIL says there were tears from his eyes, which appears to be a good sign. She then clarifies it was a not a heart attack but is Sudden Cardiac Arrest.

I google Sudden Cardiac Arrest. Then the realization struck me, I felt like someone had hit my head with a big iron rod. There was no chance of survival... Even if he survived, he would be in a vegetative state...Tears from the eyes is not a good sign, it is just the left over water... My head spins. A heat wave surrounds me. No! This cannot be true.  The internet can be wrong. Right?

My husband calls my cousin. He says they are trying to process a visa for my SIL’s brother with no luck.

A few hours later Dad calls me and asks if my husband can go to Korea and find out. No one gives a clear answer... Parents in India... Sister in the USA... and the brother lying in a hospital in Korea.

My cousin calls again, ”Priya, you should go to Korea. You can do it. No one can go now. You are a US Citizen. You don’t need a visa. You are the stronger one. You must go." I am hesitant. He convinces me and stresses ”Remember, you are not going there to cry. You are going there to be a support for Anni and the kids during this hard time. Understood?"

My parents are happy that one of us is going though they preferred my husband. They think he can handle things on his own. However my cousin is determined to send me. My husband books the ticket as I get ready. I promise my parents I will bring my brother home safely.

We receive the Dr.'s report from Korea. My cousin who is a doctor says she will review it and get back to me. But she won't call us back. The report reads "Impending Brain Death". My chest pounds. My brain goes, “So what? We can bring him to the USA and make him recover." I still refuse to believe that anything bad will happen to him. 

He loves God unconditionally. He has done so much good for everyone. He writes a check without a hesitation for any cause concerning church and education. Everyone loves him. I am sure God loves him more. With all these thoughts running through my mind, I am certain there will be a way to bring him back to normal.

My boss immediately accepts my leave request and asks me to be brave. 
My husband sends me off heavy-heartedly. My brother and he are best buddies. He mutters, “It’s all going to be okay. We are all here for you." My kids send their love to their beloved uncle and ask me to bring him back to the USA.

Day 1

Christmas is just around the corner! We are getting ready for the Holidays! The decorations are out, the tree is lit and the gifts are ready. Just put up the star we got from our native place. It's going to be a wonderful Christmas!

Early in the morning we receive a frantic call from dad, “We just got a call from Anni (Sister-In-Law) in Korea. Annan (Brother) fell down on the road on his way home from a mountain walk and is now in ICU. Looks like it was really cold and he didn't get any immediate help. Anni  is crying. Can you please call her and see what can be done?”

My strong heart didn't melt immediately. I am angrily thinking, why would someone go for a mountain walk especially when it's fourteen degrees outside? He never dresses for the weather. He does these extreme workouts regardless of the weather. I call my SIL with frustration and anxiety. My SIL cries inconsolably, “He's had a heart attack. Doctors are reviving him and are going to perform surgery once his blood pressure is normal. Please pray for him.” We were distressed but didn't lose hope that he would get better. We go to church and pray for him. 

We call my SIL in the evening again. After multiple attempts, my brother's colleague and friend picks up the phone and says my brother is improving. We are relieved to hear that. We go to bed thinking it will all be well in the morning. After all he is a fighter and will definitely get better. 

Deva Prasad -  Ex. TCS Korea Country Head
CEG, Anna University - 1988-1992 (ECE)
News article with my brother Deva Prasad
http://www.tata.com/article/inside/S!$$$$!T4lympwiI=/TLYVr3YPkMU=